


Where the hell do you get off?!

by FythyrWisp



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bunker Sex, Castiel in the Bunker, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Other, Sastiel - Freeform, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-19 10:04:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11311098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FythyrWisp/pseuds/FythyrWisp
Summary: As an angel, it's in his nature to provide comfort to humans, how could he refuse? ...And why are they angry about it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N: I feel like I should ask forgiveness for what I'm about to do... On the other hand, you're welcome.
> 
> Trigger warning specific to this chapter, Sam thought he had raped a girl while soulless. Turns out she just likes to role-play like that, completely consensual. Cue angsty, guilt-ridden Sam. 
> 
> Love you all, please take care of your mental health, and thanks for reading. 
> 
> Let the smut commence. 
> 
> FW)

* * *

It was Sam who approached him first. He hadn't seen that coming.

"Cas, please, if you're there... I just... I really need a friend right now. I can't talk to Dean about this..." the prayer came through tinged with agony. 

Castiel arrived shortly thereafter, to find Sam kneeling at the side of his bed, still in his pajamas, tears in his eyes. 

"Sam. What is it?" 

Sam slowly got up from the floor. "I, um... I had this really, really messed up dream, I think I did something, when I didn't have my soul. Something horrible. I can't tell if it's a memory or a dream." 

Castiel nodded. "What happened in your dream?" 

Sam's face twisted in self-hate. "I, uh... there was this girl... I think... I think I hurt her. And... I get the feeling she was underage." 

"Sam, even without a soul, you knew right from wrong. This sounds like it was nightmare." 

"Please, Cas, I need to know. I can't... I can't have this hanging over me." Sam pleaded. 

Castiel furrowed his brow. "I can find out easily enough, but I'm concerned about what your reaction will be if it did happen." 

Sam rubbed at his eyes, as he must have several times before praying, and sat down on the bed. "I don't know. I don't know what I would do, but, I really need to know." 

Castiel reached two fingers toward Sam's forehead. "Focus on the dream, whatever small details you can, I'll see where it goes in your brain." 

Sam nodded, and closed his eyes as Castiel made contact. 

* * *

"Mmmmmm... that's good... but you gotta go harder."

"How hard?" Sam mumbled against her neck, speeding up as he held her hands to the floor above her head. 

"Make me believe it," she answered in a moan, "Let go of one of my hands, I'll slap you on the shoulder if I need to get you to stop, otherwise, keep going." 

Castiel considered the figures before him. It seemed rough, to his mind, but certainly consensual. She was on her back, pink slip-dress pulled down past her breasts and up around her waist, her legs around his bare hips. His torso was bare, and his jeans sat close to the top of his thighs, his belt buckle scratching at the wood floor as he moved. 

The memory, including the activation of nerve endings he was receiving from Sam were overpowering. 

He watched as Sam's body thrust into her, keeping her pinned down, his muscles throughout his shoulders, back, and hips all on display. 

He could feel it as the memory entered a state of dream, the girl tangling her hand in his hair, yanking back with a groan. 

"Please... AHH! It hurts!" she panted. 

Without the previous context, Castiel could easily see why Sam would be upset to see this. 

"Please! Stop! Stop! I won't tell anyone!" 

Sam growled against her throat, and grabbed one of her breasts roughly, making her cry out. "You can take it harder, can't you?" 

"NO! Please! Stop! Let me go!" She squirmed, making half an attempt to get away as Sam slammed into her harder, causing her to give a scream of pleasure. 

Castiel could feel the dream shifting back to Sam's memory cortex. 

Sam was slowing down. 

"What the fuck?" she asked. 

"Sorry, got a little too close there." Sam answered. 

"I was close! C'mon, I need this!" she whined. 

Sam slammed his body into her, gaining further false protests. 

Castiel wasn't sure he should continue to watch, and felt a little ashamed doing so, but he couldn't properly assure Sam unless he knew what had happened. 

Pleading with him to stop, but never giving the agreed upon signal, she tensed and screamed through her orgasm, shaking hard against Sam. 

A moment later he clapped a hand over her mouth, and shoved deep inside her, holding there as his body gave several sharp jolts. 

Removing his hand, Sam pressed a kiss to the middle of her chest, and rolled off of her, coming to rest on the floor. The condom was glistening with her juices, as was her flesh. She dropped her hand to the same place he'd just left, fondling her sensitive flesh gently as he carefully removed the condom. "You were right, that was pretty good... might want to tone it down, though, you're gonna get somebody arrested one of these days." 

The girl laughed. "Hell, I could do that now." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Don't freak out, but I'm not technically legal until next week." she said, straightening her clothes. 

"What? You said-" 

"I said I'm 22. And if anyone else wants to know, I'm 22. And when I have my birthday, I'm going to tell all my friends at work I'm 23. So, relax." 

Sam ran a hand through his hair. "You shouldn't do that." 

She shrugged. "It's not like I'm 12. Besides, that was totally worth it." 

Sam sat up, shaking his head. 

"So, you still want to check out that bar?" she asked. 

Sam shook his head, "Nah, that kind of took a lot out of me. I think I'll head home, call it a night." 

* * *

Castiel looked up again to find Sam's red-rimmed eyes surrounded with worry. "What did I do?"

"You didn't hurt her. What you saw was a small portion of what happened." Castiel attempted to explain. 

"I didn't..." Sam's voice was a broken whisper, "I didn't hurt her?" 

"No. You were both agreeable to what was happening. She didn't signal you to stop, and she was upset when you did. Overall, she was ...very pleased." Castiel admitted awkwardly. 

Sam buried his face in his hands, shaking slightly. "Oh my god... I thought I raped her. The dream, it was just like... like it was really happening. And... I don't know, sometimes, some girls... I'm not trying to, but, just... I'm too damn long, it hurts them... I don't want to hurt anyone." 

Castiel lingered in the middle of the room. "You're not the type of person who hurts people, Sam. Not intentionally." 

Sam looked up. "But she... she liked it?" 

Castiel nodded. "She was very content." 

Sam nodded, still shaken. "This is a weird conversation, but... you basically saw and heard everything, huh?" 

"It is a fairly personal subject. Although aside from being able to check your memory, I don't understand why you would speak to me about this instead of your brother." Castiel answered. 

Sam shook his head. "He would tell me it's just a dream, and that I wouldn't do that. That really doesn't help." 

"He does prefer to protect you, even from yourself." Castiel responded. 

"Cas, if I had hurt her, would you have told me the truth?" Sam asked. 

Castiel considered his face for a moment. "I would have reminded you that you were not yourself at that time, and the reason you were without your soul in the first place was that I left it behind in the cage. Therefore, fault would have rested more with me than with you." 

Sam went quiet. 

"Sam, are you all right?" Castiel asked. 

Sam shook his head. "Um... I don't know... I mean, I feel like it could have happened, you know? Like it wasn't bad enough for me to say I could never do that, but more like I had to know because I thought I could have done it, so that made it more likely?" 

"Sam,-" 

"C'mon, you think I don't remember when you called me an abomination? I'm not-... I try to be a good person, but I don't think I am." Sam stood up, the bed shifting against the floor as he did. 

Castiel pulled Sam into a tight hug, trying to still his friend's pacing. He didn't expect to find Sam's lips against his. 

Sam turned his head. "I'm sorry." 

"Sam, you're upset. Humans are, well, very emotional. It's understandab-" 

Sam leaned in, kissing him hungrily. Castiel could feel tears on the other man's cheeks as he submitted, allowing Sam to use him as a distraction to block out his personal crisis. 

Sam's hands slid under the coat and jacket he normally wore, pulling him closer. 

"Sam... are you certain this is something you want from me?" Castiel asked in a quiet and level voice. 

"I just don't want to think about anything right now." Sam said. "Is this okay? Just this once?" 

Castiel nodded. "I assume you're seeking comfort, and that's something I want to provide. As your friend." 

Sam nodded, "That's all I want." 

Castiel kissed him gently, allowing Sam to begin undressing him. Castiel pulled his tie off and added it to the stack of clothing on Sam's chair as Sam started on his buttons. 

He was able to recall how his instincts had led him when he'd been human, with April, and he slipped his fingers inside the edge of Sam's shirt, finding soft flesh. 

Buttons undone, Sam brought his hand up to the side of Castiel's neck, stroking his earlobe with his thumb, leaning their foreheads together. "I don't... I don't know what to do, exactly. I just know I don't want to hurt you... Is there something you want? Something I can do?" 

Castiel shrugged slightly. "Just keep going. These things have a way of sorting themselves out. You're very unlikely to harm me." 

"Keep going?" Sam nodded. "Okay..." 

Castiel wasn't expecting Sam to lift him from the floor, pulling his legs around his waist, and press him to the closest wall, rubbing his hands along the back of Cas' thighs. Sam kissed him, invading his mouth, tasting him, sucking at his lips and tongue, making him moan. Castiel shook as he felt Sam's hand below him, touching him though his slacks. 

Sam pulled back from the wall, and Castiel suddenly found them both to be on the bed, Sam's mouth manipulating the skin on his throat, grazing his teeth against Castiel's stubble, sinking lower. 

"Mm! Tighter, Cas." Sam said, giving his thigh a pat. Castiel tightened his legs around Sam's waist as Sam gasped. 

Castiel felt and heard a pop in Sam's lower back. He threw a frightened look to Sam's face, worried he'd broken the human man, but Sam only moaned. "Ohhh, god, I've been trying to get that to pop all week..." 

"You're not injured?" Castiel asked. 

Sam shook his head. "No, that helped. Well, not with this, but, yeah." 

Finding his own shirt gone, Castiel peeled Sam's from his body. Sam cooperated, then brought his hands down Castiel's body, seeking his belt as Castiel stroked Sam's hair back from his eyes. 

Sam unfastened Castiel's belt, and started on his slacks when he suddenly stopped, flinching away. 

"Sam...?" 

Sam nodded, "Sorry, Cas, I just..." 

"If you've changed your mind,-" Castiel started. 

"It's not that... I mean, it's different, but, no. I just.. I keep hearing her scream, from the dream, and it's..." 

"Unsettling?" Castiel offered. 

Sam nodded. "Yeah." 

Castiel unwound his legs, kicking his shoes off as Sam went back to his zipper, leaning down to kiss him again. Sam worked his fingers into Castiel's waistband, moving deeper down the front of his pants. Castiel gasped and jumped as Sam found his tender skin. 

Sam pressed his lips hard against Castiel's neck, muttering. "Let me touch you." 

Castiel kept still as Sam pushed deeper into his boxers, grasping, feeling him. 

Sam let out a moan. "Damn, Cas, you're hard." 

After a firm squeeze, Sam pulled back, and dragged the rest of Castiel's clothing from his body. Sam barely had to shift the sweatpants from his hips to get them to fall from his body. Sam shifted his weight, hesitation plaguing him. 

Castiel sat up, and reached for his hand. "Sam, you appear to be over thinking things." 

"Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just, I'm still hearing it." Sam said sadly. 

Castiel got up onto his knees, pulling Sam into a gentle embrace. "You didn't do that." 

Sam took a deep, shaking breath, putting his head on Castiel's shoulder. Castiel stroked Sam's hair out of the way, pressing a soft kiss to his neck. Sam's hands slid up Castiel's back, giving his shoulders and squeeze add he pressed the front of his body firmly against him. 

Castiel could feel Sam's hard length pressed tight to his thigh, a hint of moisture at the tip, as Sam slowly began to rock against him. 

Sam reached for him again, squeezing him hard, his mouth soon frantic on Castiel's neck. "Tell me if it's too much... I only know what works for me." 

Castiel nodded against him, giving a breathy moan as Sam squeezed tighter. Castiel let his hand trace Sam's muscles down to his ass, grasping firmly, and pressing into him harder, as Sam bit down on the edge of his jaw. 

Sam pulled back, almost shoving Castiel away, panting. "Hang on. I just gotta get something." 

Castiel watched Sam cross the room, digging through a duffel he always kept by the door, ready to leave at a moment's notice. 

A few seconds later, he was back on the bed, kissing Castiel, taking hold of him with firm hands, moving him exactly where he wanted the angel to be. 

Sam bit into his shoulder, pulling Castiel's back tight to his chest, grinding his hips against his ass as he reached in front of him, finding every intimate way he could manage to touch him. 

Castiel lost himself in Sam's motions, as one of Sam's hands traveled firmly up his chest, leaning him, stretching him backward over Sam's chest, up his throat, tracing his lower lip, before dipping two fingers into his open mouth. He closed his lips around them, unsure what else to do, but Sam was soon moving them in and out slowly, as he continued to rock against Castiel's body. 

Sam pulled his fingers back from Castiel's mouth, and leaned forward, pressing him down onto all fours, and stroked his wet fingers against his entrance, still fondling him firmly. 

Castiel was starting to relax into the feeling when Sam suddenly pressed in with both fingers, making him jerk and whine. 

"Sorry," Sam panted, "I should have asked you... you okay?" 

"It's all right, Sam. Maybe a little slower?" Castiel suggested. 

"I'll try to remember." Sam muttered, reaching for the bottle. 

Castiel shivered as Sam dripped the cold liquid against the point their flesh met, and began working his fingers in and out slowly, changing the angle, feeling, searching inside of his body. "If you're looking for-" 

Castiel jolted as Sam struck his target. 

"I think I got it," Sam said with a chuckle, dragging his fingers across it again, making him shake and moan. 

Castiel heard Sam slick himself with his free hand. Sam's fingers left him, the same hand grasping his hip, holding him steady as he pressed inside. Castiel groaned as he felt his body stretch to accommodate Sam's tip. 

Sam doubled over, his face pressed against Castiel's skin, completely engrossed in Castiel's body. 

"Sam... you can go further. You won't hurt me." Castiel said softly. 

Sam shook his head against Castiel, "If I go too deep, it'll bruise-... you don't have a cervix." 

"I don't. Not in this vessel." 

Sam raised his head, drunk on his hormones and somewhat dazed. "How deep can I go?" 

Castiel pressed back against him, encouraging him. 

Sam let go of his base, and allowed himself to sink deeper into Castiel, his panting picking up a hint of a whimper. "Cas... you gotta tell me... if it hurts, you gotta tell me." 

Castiel choked on a groan as Sam slid against his prostate. "It doesn't hurt... and I can heal myself, I'll be all right." 

Sam stared down at himself as he pressed in the last inch, shaking slightly. "Holy crap, Cas... I'm in, all the way... That almost never happens." 

Castiel gasped as Sam suddenly reached below him, gripping him impossibly tight, and shoved forward, flattening him into the rumpled blankets on the bed, and began to move within him. 

Sam moved his thumb across Castiel's tip, spreading precum over his glans, making him thrust into Sam's hand. Sam gasped at the feeling of Castiel tightening around him and shoving forward with his hips. "Did that feel good?" 

Castiel nodded, breathing heavily, "Yes, it does." 

"How do you like it when you do it yourself?" Sam asked. 

"Do what myself?" Castiel responded, confused. 

Sam continued to rock his hips, bringing more friction into his thrusts. "You know... getting yourself off... masturbation." 

"I don't... I really have no interest in pleasuring my vessel." 

"Right," Sam breathed against his skin, "Angel... Mmn, I'm balls deep in an angel... Okay, I know what I like, let me do that to you." 

Castiel shuddered as Sam brought his free hand down Castiel's chest and abdomen, taking him in both hands, twisting and squeezing, stroking, and then slipping one hand lower to give warm, gentle attention to Castiel's testicles as he began to stroke him in earnest against the sheet, all the while picking up speed with his thrusts. 

Sam seemed to take encouragement from the sounds, noises, really, that he was bringing from Castiel involuntarily, and was soon thrusting mindlessly, his moans joining Castiel's. 

"Sam!... I... ohhhh... I'm trying to... hold back... Sam?!... AAAAAHHH!!" Castiel grasped the blankets as his body submitted to the tight heat that sprang loose inside him. 

Sam let go of Castiel, moving with his entire body, grabbing hold of him anywhere his hands could find purchase. "Oh, shit, that was hot... Cas... hmmng!... I need this.. I need... Oh, goddamn!MM!" 

Sam thrust in brutally several times before burying himself deep within Castiel, shaking with several spurts. His erection not yet completely gone, he gave several sharp thrusts before he was too limp to continue. 

Castiel didn't attempt to move as Sam carefully slipped out of his body. 

"Hey, Cas?... you okay? I hope I wasn't too rough with you." Sam said, slowly moving away. 

Castiel didn't tell Sam he'd had to heal himself at least twice. "That was very enjoyable, Sam. And I'm not injured." 

"You, um... you won't tell Dean, right?" Sam asked. "Sometimes he says stuff he doesn't mean just to be a jerk. This isn't something I'd want him to bring up like that." 

Castiel nodded. "If he hears anything of this, it will be from you, although it wouldn't bother me if you do tell him." 

Sam gave a tired smile and pulled on Castiel's hand before curling up closer to him. "Cas, you're kind of hot, for a guy... If you want to do this again sometime, I owe you one, okay?" 

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: So... that wasn't my usual pairing. And I'm uploading two chapters at once because I have a feeling everyone is going to want to get an idea where this is going.
> 
> FW)

* * *

The fight had been particularly bad. Sam was going to take one of the antique Letters cars, but Dean had insisted.

"Don't you fucking dare, bitch. You want to ditch me, fine. But don't make me drag my car out to come get your stranded ass when a Letters' car breaks down, because I'll just beat the shit out of you when I get there! Not to mention the bullshit lack of weapons. Just take the Impala, and get lost!" 

Sam had slammed the door to the garage as he stormed out, soon followed by the familiar roar. 

Dean brushed by Castiel, shaking his head. 

Castiel continued to search for a case. It had been weeks, and had to be the reason Dean had taken to criticism and cruel jokes. 

Some time later, Dean stumbled into the library, plopping into the chair across the table from Castiel, and stared at him over the top of the laptop. 

"Got us a case?" Dean asked. 

Castiel shook his head. "Nothing yet." 

Dean let out an exaggerated sigh, letting his head fall back over the back of the chair. "Ohhhh, I can't take this shit anymore... Hey... you want some?" 

Castiel looked up to find Dean offering him a very large and nearly empty bottle of particularly strong whiskey, which he quickly accepted, "Dean, was this the unopened bottle that was on the counter?" 

Dean gave him a blank look. "Maybe?" 

Castiel carefully took the bottle as Dean swayed slightly, "You've had quite a lot of it." 

Dean nodded, "Yeah, well, I usually drink till Sam gets back... He's not back yet." 

"Why do you stop when Sam returns?" Castiel asked. 

Dean shrugged. "I hate being alone. When he gets back, I'm not anymore, so..." 

"You aren't alone. You could have joined me, and helped look for a case," Castiel replied, "Rather than risk alcohol poisoning." 

Dean shoved himself out of the chair, "I am not... Not, that,.. far gone." 

"Let me know when your hangover becomes unbearable, and I'll come heal you." Castiel said, turning back to the computer. 

"Fine. You wanna take Sam's side, just give me the..." Dean motioned toward the bottle. 

Castiel, still looking at the screen, took the bottle from the table and set it on the floor to the right of his chair. 

"C'mon, Cas, don't be a dick." Dean said, getting up and coming around the end of the table to Castiel's left. 

Castiel wasn't certain if Dean was trying to use personal space to make him uncomfortable, or if he was too drunk to care, but Dean leaned over him to reach for the bottle. 

Castiel allowed his grace to displace the bottle by another two feet further away as Dean's hand nearly reached it, causing him to land heavily on Castiel's lap. Castiel responded to the stumble by slapping Dean firmly on the rear. 

Dean bolted upright, throwing Castiel a confused look. 

"I would assume you've consumed as much as you can handle, I don't recommend any more." 

"You're not gonna let me drink?" Dean asked, surprized. 

"I'm sure you can find other ways to entertain yourself, Dean." Castiel said, turning back to the computer. 

Dean suddenly swung a leg over Castiel's lap, and took hold of the sides of his neck, kissing him softly. "Gimme the bottle." 

"No." Castiel reached up with two fingers and tapped Dean on the forehead, instantly bringing him back to sober. 

Dean shrugged, and started to get up, toward the right side of Castiel's chair. Castiel grasped Dean's thigh, offsetting his balance, making him come down onto Castiel's lap again, hard. 

"What?" Dean asked. 

"Your liver." 

"What about it?" 

"It's... not well." Castiel said. 

Dean gave a motion as though he'd written it off long ago. "Yeah, kind of expect that." 

Castiel took hold of the hem of the long sleeved grey undershirt Dean wore below his flannel, bringing it up nearly to his throat. 

Dean caught hold of Castiel's shoulder with one hand as both of Castiel's hands moved to cover the area of Dean's liver, a considerable amount of flesh below his right nipple, stretching to the left, past his sternum. 

The hem of the shirt fell over Castiel's hands, but did nearly nothing to hide the brief glow. 

Castiel pulled his hands out from under Dean's shirt, dropping them to his sides. 

"Why didn't you just heal that when you sobered me up?" Dean asked quietly. 

"It wasn't reversible enough to heal. You needed a small miracle... or perhaps chemotherapy." 

"Cas..." Dean breathed, "Did you just... Did I have cancer? Did you just un-cancer me?" 

Castiel nodded, looking away. 

"How bad was it?... Nevermind, I don't need to know." Dean pulled Castiel close, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "Thank you." 

"Dean, you... uh..." 

"Yeah, sorry. I only kissed you because I was drunk, and trying to distract you to get the bottle back." 

"Yes, but... your erection only occurred since you've been sober." 

Dean stiffened, this time in his upper torso. "Um... your hands are really warm... I should go." 

Dean started to unwrap his arms from Castiel, but stilled as Castiel's hands slid under his shirt, going slowly up his back. 

"Cas..." Dean said softly, "Friends pick on each other when alcohol is involved... but they don't feel each other up like this." 

"Why?" Castiel asked, circling one of his fingers to cross a sensitive spot a second time. 

"Because... it's just not something... oh fuck, I don't know why, you just don't." Dean said, straightening, forcing himself to let go. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm probably confusing the hell out of you right now, and that's not fair to you. I shouldn't have kissed-" 

Castiel leaned forward, gently pressing his lips to Dean's, dropping one hand to his thigh. After a few seconds hesitation, Dean began to kiss back. 

Dean's breathing changed noticeably as Castiel continued to move his fingers across his back, sliding his hand up to Dean's hip. 

"Cas... you don't have to..." Dean whispered, a hint of pleading in his voice, "Don't ever feel like you have to, not for me..." 

"But you want me to?" Castiel asked. 

Dean nodded in admittance. "Yeah, but... if you don't, then I don't want that." 

Castiel held Dean tightly to him as he stood, pushing the laptop out of the way, setting Dean gently on the table, kissing him softly. 

Dean tangled his fingers in Castiel's hair, stroking his thumb over his ear, slowly removing his tie with his free hand until he could get Castiel's top button undone, and moved to his neck, still with soft, gentle touches of his lips. 

Castiel quickly removed Dean's shirts, trying to keep his head far enough back to allow Dean to continue. Dean let go of his hair, sliding his hand down the other side of Castiel's neck, making for the next button as Castiel shrugged free of his coat and jacket, quickly wrapping his arms around Dean as soon as his shirt came away, pressing Dean down to lay on the table, kissing him hungrily and moving down to his bare chest. Dean clutched Castiel's shoulders as his hands traveled his skin, lips tracing his muscles and seeking out a nipple, making him buck his hips. 

Dean shook slightly as Castiel dragged his hands down Dean's sides, grasping his hips, and pulling his ass off the edge of the table, grabbing it firmly. "Ohhh, Cas, that's good..." 

Dean tangled his fingers in Castiel's hair again, pulling him gently higher to kiss him, sucking at his lips and working his tongue against them. He sat up further, letting Castiel take his weight, trusting him to keep from falling as he came off the table, finding the floor with his feet. 

Castiel pulled back, ready to stop, but Dean reached for his belt, turning him to sit on the edge of the table, continuing to kiss him, moving slowly lower, coming to rest on his knees as he got Castiel's slacks down low around his hips. 

Shaking hard, Castiel grasped at the edges of the table, moaning loudly as Dean took him into his mouth, wrapping his hand around the base. Dean put his free hand to the bare skin of Castiel's hip, and moved slowly, just feeling him with the inside of his mouth. Castiel let his head tip back, and his breathing brought him into a slight sway. 

Dean sped up a little, squeezing his fist in a pulse, giving a slight twist each time. 

Castiel curled forward, grabbing Dean by the upper arms and hauling him to his feet, kissing him deeply and wrapping his arms around Dean's waist, first bumping him with the end of his erection, then shifting to slide against him, shivering as he bit down softly on Dean's lower lip with a breathy whimper. 

"You want more?" Dean paused to kiss him gently, "I'll give you whatever you want, but, I'm gonna need to go slow... and I need something to make it easier, I don't have it with me." 

Castiel nodded. "Your bedroom?" he asked hesitantly, dropping one hand to grab Dean's ass. 

"Yeah." No sooner than he'd finished the word, Dean caught his balance as he suddenly found them both to be in his bedroom. Castiel was standing a little closer, having no table to lean on, and their discarded clothing had arrived on a chair, but otherwise their positions hadn't changed. 

Dean ran his thumb across the corner of his mouth, looking over the nuances of Castiel's face. He wasn't sure how to proceed without discussing it. Castiel leaned in to claim his lips again, but Dean pressed a hand to his chest, stopping him. "Look, uh... this is different for me, but there's a few ways two guys can do this, so-" 

Castiel cut him off with a deep kiss, steering him backward toward the bed. "Mmm... okay, I think I got you... I think I can do this..." 

Dean let Castiel manhandle him onto the bed, their clothing continuing to shed piece by piece, with stolen touches, and tiny gasps. 

"Cas?" Dean asked, catching hold of the angel's shoulder as Castiel came away from his neck for air, "Please just tell me if you know what you're doing?" 

Castiel looked Dean in the eyes, "I understand the process, even if I haven't performed it before, and I will be careful, I promise." 

Dean still looked apprehensive as he gave a conceding nod. 

"Where is the lubricant?" Castiel asked. 

Dean started to get up to get it, "Hang on, I keep it in-" Castiel put one heavy hand on his chest and shoved him back down into the mattress. 

Castiel suddenly held up a small tube, looking at the label, "This is different." 

"I guess you found it." Dean said quietly. 

Castiel eyed it suspiciously. "Are you certain this is what you want me to use?" 

Dean shrugged, "Why?" 

Castiel looked down at him carefully. "You don't know what these chemicals are going to feel like, having only applied them to external areas of your body." 

Dean squirmed slightly, and started to speak, but Castiel quickly dripped some of the liquid into his palm and grasped Dean, moving over his entire swollen member until he was completely coated with a sheen Castiel didn't find displeasing at all. 

When Castiel looked up, he noticed Dean's hand in a death grip on his upper arm, close to the elbow, breathing quickened, and lips parted. "Do you want me to keep going, Dean?" 

Dean's voice emerged, if somewhat choked, "Yeah... yeah, I want to keep going." 

Castiel poured more out into his hand and leaned forward to kiss Dean again as he pressed a finger inside. Dean's muscles clenched around it and his whole body jerked, tearing his lip on Castiel's teeth with a gasp. 

"You have to relax." Castiel said quietly, kissing him gently to heal his lip. 

"Cas!.. Slow, go slow, okay?" Dean panted. 

Castiel continued his movement, massaging inside of him, painfully slow as Dean let his head fall back with deep breaths. 

"Holy shit, Cas... ohhh, that's actually starting to feel good... really good..." 

Castiel took Dean into his mouth, uncertainly, testing his engorged flesh, finding his moans encouraging. He felt awkward as he attempted to replicate the feelings Dean had given him in the library, feeling him out with his tongue. 

"Cas... oh, god... hey... you ever had anybody do that before?" Dean asked, his voice slow and deep. 

"No." Castiel admitted, pulling back for a brief moment. 

"Okay, if you want, I can tell you what feels best, okay?" 

"That would be helpful." Castiel said with a small nod. He took Dean into his mouth again. 

Dean bucked slightly, and Castiel tried to pay attention to his words as he continued to work his fingers deep within Dean’s tight entrance. 

"Mmmn!... That's good... tighter..." Dean let his hand slip to the side of Castiel's face, gently encouraging a slow rhythm, "Take a break sometimes, just keep going with your tongue..." 

Castiel backed off of him, keeping his mouth wide, turning his head to one side, running his tongue sideways down the underside of Dean's slick, swollen erection in the same rhythm, coming back up several times before taking him in deeply once more. 

Dean was moaning again, with a hint of a growl, but his instructions had ceased, and Castiel took it upon himself to continue. 

"Damn, Cas!" Dean growled, "Keep going... this is... oh, man, that's awesome..." 

Feeling him far more relaxed, Castiel stretched him further, giving an experimental flick of his tongue as he came up, while thrusting his fingers inside of Dean’s flesh, stretching him further. For his efforts, he received a breathtaking arch of Dean's back, accompanied by a high toned, open mouthed gasp. 

"Cas!... C'mon, I think I'm good... feels good... I wanna try..." Dean whined. 

Opening his eyes, not realizing he'd closed them, Dean found Castiel above him, staring at him, his eyes an intense blue. 

Dean pulled him closer, kissing him softly as Castiel suddenly began to slide slowly into his body. Dean reached for his hips, trying to pull him deeper, to make him move faster, but the angel would not be rushed. Dean whimpered and shook as Castiel pressed in as far as he could go, pressing in firmly and holding the pressure. 

After a moment's frantic, pleasured panting, Dean kissed him again, rocking his hips with a deep groan. 

"Holy shit..." Dean breathed with a slight squeak, "Didn't think it would feel that good." 

Castiel didn't move, instead, studying his face as he brought his hand to the side of Dean's neck, tracing the corner of his jaw with his thumb. Castiel withdrew a few inches, slowly, as Dean breathed deeply, enjoying the feeling of flesh sliding within him. He ducked his head, running his tongue up the side of Dean's neck away from his hand before giving a rough thrust back into him, burying himself in Dean's body. 

Dean groaned and grabbed at Castiel's hair and shoulders, "That's perfect!... Ohhh, fuck me... C'mon, Cas, hold me down..." 

"Hold you down?" Castiel asked, confused, as he continued to move, slowly withdrawing, then giving a hard thrust back inside each time. 

"YEAH!... MMN!Yeah... that's perfect... Hold me down." Dean replied. He tugged Castiel's hand from his neck and put it on the side of his chest, Castiel's forearm resting against him and tugged his shoulder lower, encouraging Castiel to lean on him heavily. 

Castiel switched to a comfortable rhythm, and began to press Dean into the bed, "Why do I hold you down? I'm not trying to force you." 

"I want it... it's-" Dean gasped and paused through a bonerattling moan Castiel could feel, "... I like it... Never been with someone who's stronger than me, Cas-ah!.. I trust you... I trust you, you're not gonna hurt me..." 

Castiel still wasn't sure he understood Dean's reasons, but he complied, leaning in and claiming his mouth, taking hold of both of Dean's wrists, stretching his arms out to the sides as far as they would reach, pinning him firmly to the bed, his chest weighing on Dean heavily as he moved. 

"You want to feel helpless?" Castiel asked. 

Dean gave a fast nod, "You could rip me in half... but you won't... just, oh my god..." 

"You enjoy thinking about it?" Castiel asked with a growl. 

"AH! Fuck me hard!... Yeah, it's good..." 

Castiel released Dean’s arms one at a time, setting his hands on Dean's chest, and lifting away from him, pressing him down, and picking up speed as Dean's doubled up legs squeezed Castiel's hips snuggly. 

"Do you feel helpless enough?" Castiel asked in a voice that echoed a stifled pleasure, "Or do you want me to do more?" 

"More, like what?" Dean gasped. 

"It's psychological in nature, isn't it? ...You want to be overpowered without being in danger?" 

"That's.... ahhh, yeah... I want what you said." 

Moving all of his weight to one hand, he clamped the other over Dean’s partially open mouth mid pant, jerking his head to the side and gave his neck a graze with his teeth as the hand on Dean's chest sunk nails into skin. Castiel growled into Dean's ear, "Bite down if you want me to stop." 

He felt Dean nod, and began to thrust more sharply, dragging his nails down Dean’s chest leaving behind red welts as Dean shuddered. Dean wrapped his legs around Castiel's ribs, grasping at his upper arms, and groaning, losing himself as Castiel continued to slam into him. 

Castiel pulled back enough to look into Dean's eyes, finding that familiar green shade, "You're completely at my mercy, Dean... How does it feel?" 

Dean's entire body shook and spasmed with a muffled yell as he felt fire sweep through him, and mindlessly clawed at Castiel's arms. 

Castiel continued to thrust, holding back until he was certain Dean was nearly at the end before allowing his vessel to take it's own release deep within him. 

Castiel pulled out gently, taking his hand from Dean's mouth, but otherwise, didn't move, watching his friend carefully. 

"...Holy crap, Cas... What the hell was that?" Dean asked, breathlessly. 

"A prostate orgasm." 

Dean looked up at him, still shaken, "So, you didn't do that?" 

"Of course I did." 

"No, I mean, did you, uh... y'know, angel powers?" 

"No. It was purely a biological response. However, if you meant like this..." 

Castiel flattened his palm over the red welts on Dean's chest, and a glow came from his hand as Dean was suddenly panting and shaking once more, grabbing hold of Castiel's body anywhere his hands found themselves, groaning his way through a violent shudder as his body hit the edge and fell from the precipice once more. 

When Castiel took his hand away, the welts were gone, and while exhausted and coated in a layer of sweat, Dean didn't feel even remotely sore, despite the abuse of his tender tissues that he'd begged for. 

Dean pulled Castiel down on top of him, his legs weak, and wondered if he should explain to Castiel what it was he still needed. 

When Castiel didn't attempt to move, only resting his head on Dean's chest, Dean decided to let it go. 

Castiel lay still, contemplating Dean's emotional state, unwilling to leave until the man fell asleep beneath him. 

He was grateful, yes, but certainly if he'd only been grateful, he would only have offered sex, and not have seemed to request it. Castiel didn't believe it was Dean's attempt to thank him, as much as something he'd wanted to share. 

It also crossed Castiel's mind that it had been nothing like what he'd experienced with Sam. 

Several hours later, Dean woke up alone, and felt surprisingly clean. Tugging on his discarded clothing, he made for the library, only to find Castiel reading through news articles on the laptop again. 

"Um... Is Sam back?" Dean asked cautiously. 

"No." 

Dean nodded, and sat down carefully, half expecting pain, but found none, "So, earlier..." 

Castiel looked up, and Dean seemed to lose track of what he'd been about to say. 

"Um... It was good... I mean, right? It was pretty good, you had fun, right?" 

"I don't recall altering your memory of the events. I did ejaculate, if that's what you're referring to." 

Dean chuckled as he shook his head, "Sex is about more than getting off, Cas. It's supposed to feel good, feel... close." 

"Part of me was inside of your body, Dean. Without taking you for a vessel, I wouldn't be able to get much closer." Castiel replied, "But if you're trying to ask if I found the experience satisfying, I did." 

"Okay, good... Good. You, um... You put a lot of work into it, I'd hate to think you didn't have a good time... And, y'know, if you want to, it could happen again. I'd be up for that, just... I don't want to make things uncomfortable around here, so... You mind keeping this just between us?" 

"You don't want Sam to know." 

"Right. Not that we're doing anything wrong, just-" 

"Humans, and their repressed sexuality..." Castiel answered, "Don't worry, Dean. If Sam ever hears about it, it will be from you." 

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

The two hunters who'd asked for the Winchesters' help hadn't survived the hunt.

The panic was over, the monsters were vanquished, and Dean had drunk himself into a stupor. 

Sam was too shaken to bother dragging his brother out of the back of the Impala, and Dean was too sloshed to manage it on his own, or care to, so Sam locked the garage, switched Dean's bottle for one of water, and headed for the library, too wound up to sleep. 

He had only meant to pass his room and stop long enough to put his bag down, but a familiar figure looked up from the bed. 

Castiel was reclined, watching something on the television, which he paused. 

"Cas, you're back... When did you get in?" 

"An hour and fourteen minutes ago. A new season became available, I thought I would watch some of it. Unless you mind?" 

Sam shook his head wearily. 

"What's wrong? Where's Dean?" Castiel asked quickly as Sam's expression registered. 

"Dean's fine, he's just...loaded. Not like he doesn't sleep in the car sometimes anyway." Sam answered, "We got called out to help a couple of hunters. We got the things that were killing people, but the folks we were helping, um... Fine red mist was all that was left... Not even any way to burn them. No idea what's going to happen to them now." 

Castiel quickly got up from the bed, and embraced him, "I'm very sorry, Sam." 

Sam gave him a firm pat on the back and nodded, "Nothing you could do, Cas... I'm going to the library, start looking for a new case. I gotta get my mind off it." 

"You're exhausted. You should rest." Castiel replied, "But if you insist on looking for another case right away, I'm happy to help, or provide you company." 

Sam shrugged, as though avoiding something unspoken. 

"What is it?" 

"I just... I know I need to just shut down and sleep, but, I need to get out of my own head for a while, so, if-" 

Castiel cut off his words with a firm kiss. 

Sam grabbed his shoulders and pressed him back a bit, "Cas, last time... I saw the blood later, you can't tell me that didn't hurt. I don't want to hurt you." 

"I've bled a lot more for you over less, and the pain was negligible. I'm not as fragile as a human, you don't have to hold back with me." 

"Cas-" 

"Sam, please. I wasn't there to help you, to save them, but I'm here now. It's not as though you intend to hurt me. I can help you with this." 

"Why, though?" Sam asked, "I know I got you off, but was it worth it? ...You're not just doing this for me?" 

"It's not unpleasant to me, Sam. While this may not be something I need as much as you do, it's not one sided, either." Castiel replied softly. 

Sam raised his eyebrows, "You like it? ...This is actually something you want?" 

"That would be a simplified explanation, but yes... I'm an angel, providing comfort to humans is deep seated in my nature, it pleases me... If course if you're not interested in intercourse, I could also lay with you-" 

"What, cuddle?" Sam asked with a laugh. 

Feeling awkward and unsure whether he'd undone his chances, Castiel started to search for the words to correct himself, but before he could start, with his lips still parted, Sam kissed him aggressively, clutching at his sides. Castiel returned the kiss as well as he could, mostly submitting, with the attempt to compliment Sam's motions. 

"I assume you don't wish to cuddle?" Castiel asked with a bit of a pant as Sam let him come up for air. 

Sam shook his head, "Maybe after... But, Cas, if I do something and it hurts, you gotta tell me to slow down, tell me to stop. Sometimes I get where I just lose it, and..." 

"Sam, if you think I couldn't stop you, you're wrong. I could render you unconscious at any point through physical contact." 

"But will you? If it's too much?" Sam asked, watching Castiel face carefully, "Like some kind of fail safe, if it hurts you, stop me?" 

"If that's what you want, then, yes. But I'm confident I won't have to." 

"Because I'll hold back?" 

"Because you can let go." 

Sam's worry quickly turned to hunger, Castiel could see it in his face. He pulled Castiel tight against him with a grip that would leave dark bruises on a less durable partner. 

With frantic motions and tiny sounds of stitches breaking in the fabric, Sam tore at Castiel's clothes, desperate for the angel's flesh in his hands, against his mouth and his own quickly bared skin. 

Sam heaved Castiel's body onto the bed, landing on him hard, burrowing into the side of Castiel's neck with lips, tongue, and teeth, his hands searching the angel's body as though he'd forgotten the shape and needed to relearn it immediately. 

"Cas, touch me..." Sam muttered in a low, hushed tone as he continued to work on Castiel's clothing. 

At a bit of a loss, Castiel reached for Sam's skin, taking a firm hold of his upper arm, unsure what Sam wanted. The touch was that of comfort from a friend, and entirely too platonic. Sam caught Castiel's forearm, bringing Castiel's hand to his chest and pinning it there, as he shifted to settle his groin against the angel's, giving a firm grind upward. He dragged Castiel's hand down the front of his torso until he was certain Castiel had gotten the idea, then continued his assault on Castiel's neck. 

Castiel found it curious that the sensation of Sam's mouth damaging his skin combined so delicately with the tender nerves in the same location that his vessel didn't seem to understand it was being damaged. The feeling of it, however, was lasting, and pleasant enough that he didn't intend to heal it just yet. He let his hand continue the path Sam had started for it, reaching lower, moving slow, so as not to surprise Sam with a sudden touch. 

He had intended to cup Sam in his hand for a moment, to let him relax and grow to expect more, but Sam was already far too hard to allow that course of action. Instead, as Sam tangled fingers through Castiel's hair, his own brown locks loose and unruly, kissing him deeply, Castiel stroked firm touches of his fingertips over the region, noting carefully which places Sam reacted to the most. 

Sam gave another hard grind against him, trapping his hand. The sound that Sam made was one of pleasure, and what seemed to be a hint of relief. Castiel wrapped his hand around Sam's hardened length, and gave a firm squeeze, making him gasp. 

"Cas... oh, man... Tell me you want it." 

"This is something I want to do." Castiel replied clumsily, but earnestly. 

"How bad?" Sam mumbled against the angel's skin. 

"...There's nothing intrinsically unethical about it, as we're both consenting and aware of our actions." 

Sam choked on a laugh before he could stop himself, "Cas, that's not...uh..." 

"I'm sorry, Sam. I'm still learning." Castiel said softly. 

"It's okay, really. Just, um..." Sam shrugged, and kissed him firmly, dragging a hand up Castiel's ribs, following the firm muscle. 

Castiel allowed his vessel to take over, stroking his hands over Sam's firm flesh, pulling him closer. 

"You like this, right?" Sam asked quietly. 

"Yes." 

"A lot?" 

"Yes, Sam. It's a very gratifying activity." 

Sam shifted to pin him down to the bed with his full weight, kissing him hard. Castiel did all he could to reciprocate Sam's touches, kisses, and movements, but at the same time, found his mind wandered easily, his vessel slowly becoming an impassioned mess with a mind of its own. 

Sam's hands and mouth wandered with a roughness Castiel appreciated, an unrestrained, lustful rush of hormones clearly plaguing the man. 

Castiel had let his eyes fall closed, his hand still making pleasing movements on Sam's skin, when he felt himself pulled upright, and the rest of his clothing stripped away with a frantic speed. With his hand still in Sam's jeans, he took hold of the thick, rough fabric and gave a quick tug, leaving Sam as bare as himself. 

"Oh." Sam said in surprise, breathing heavily, "Okay, yeah... that's fine." 

Castiel took hold of Sam's upper arms and pulled him closer, trying not to drag Sam on top of him in his haste. Sam seemed to be spurred on by his eagerness, though, and was above him in a heartbeat, searching his mouth with his tongue in a deep, dominant kiss that made Castiel's breathing change noticeably. 

Sam broke away, slipping his hand down to Castiel's hip, grasping his ass firmly and nuzzling into his neck with something between a growl and a whisper, "Cas... you're just what I need right now." 

"Do you, uh... Did you want to tell me what you need from me?" Castiel asked experimentally. 

Sam nodded, "Yeah, um, I... I want to feel your skin, your body right up against me... It feels amazing to be inside you, Cas. Not to mention, you're getting really good at turning me on." 

Castiel raised his head, kissing Sam softly, a clear gesture of offering. Humans had given tithes for centuries, and found joy in it. He had had far less to give, as a warrior. Nothing was his, his service was not his own to give. Generosity was something that eluded him. 

In the friendship he'd developed with Sam, there was give and take, of course, but this was new. He had himself to give, and it was beginning to go beyond offering comfort to a friend, he knew, as a spark in him seemed to grow with Sam's need for him. 

Castiel sat up a bit and pressed Sam's shoulder to roll him over onto the bed. 

"Cas?" Sam questioned. 

Castiel could hear it all in the nickname. Sam was asking if he was all right, if he'd changed his mind, if he needed to stop, or slow down, or if Sam had gone too far somehow. He answered each question with one long kiss, stroking Sam's hair back from his face as he moved, giving a gentle, and still fairly submissive encouragement to get him to lay down. 

Sam kept himself propped up on an elbow, watching with intrigue as Castiel quickly took him into his mouth, making Sam's head drop back, "Oh, goddamn..." 

Fingers twisted in his hair, almost painfully as he moved, bobbing his head, sucking gently, trying to seal tightly around Sam's flesh and still provide the right amount of pressure and friction. 

It wasn't that he'd never had it to give, this new ability didn't suddenly appear when taking a vessel. Other angels would occasionally please each other recreationally, if not exactly in a human manner, he had simply never chosen to take part. It had never crossed his mind that he could so enjoy having the ability to cause another being so much pleasure. Granted, he'd been human when he'd slept with the reaper that killed him, and he'd been only a shadow of himself when he'd been married as Emmanuel... But the Winchesters... He'd known them for years, he'd carried each of them out of hell at one point or another, he'd died for them, he'd fought for them, he'd given them everything he could as a soldier, but this... This was so very different. He was able to give of himself, and be generous about it, and it pleased him greatly. 

Sam's hand tightened in his hair, pressing him down, a silent beg to get him to go faster, deeper, and never stop. 

It was a bit of a struggle to pull free from Sam's enraptured grasp, bringing his friend back to himself long enough to make him let go, but he managed it. 

"Sam," Castiel said, his voice roughened as his throat had been thoroughly penetrated, "I'm-... We can proceed further, now." 

"Like last time?" Sam asked, a hint of a pant in his words. 

"Yes, but, aside from some lubricant, I shouldn't need any preparation." 

"Angel perks?" 

"Yes... So, if you're willing to continue...?" 

Sam nodded quickly, and nearly launched himself from the bed, coming to land on unsteady feet. Watching Sam move, clearly still reeling from Castiel's actions gave Castiel a feeling of both warmth and amusement, leaving him curious whether anyone he'd been with, Sam included, had similar feelings concerning gifts of their body he'd accepted. 

He was back in a moment with the lube, and Castiel cooperated quickly, taking the same position as before, as Sam seemed to prefer it. 

Sam was hesitant, but as he pressed against Castiel's opening softly, Castiel only breathed deeply, and steadied himself, showing no sign of pain as Sam entered, stopping after the tip. 

"How's that?" Sam asked, running a hand up Castiel's back, taking a firm grip on his shoulder. 

Castiel nodded, "Good... You can keep going." 

Sam pressed the rest of the way in, filling him thickly, making him groan as hardened flesh slid slowly through him, passing along over nerves that seemed to light up with a tingle of delight. 

Sam didn't wait to start moving, as Castiel felt comfortably loosened already, only ramping up his speed a little at a time. In short order, Sam was thrusting quite fast, and the friction was doing so much for Castiel he'd barely noticed that Sam hadn't bothered to reach below him, to touch him as he had the last time. 

Losing himself in the motion of being rocked back and forth in time with Sam's thrusts, Castiel felt a wave of cold fire sweep through him, and was surprised to hear a deep moan escape his lips. 

Sam's hand on his shoulder tightened painfully, and his other hand grasped Castiel's bent hip, as Sam began to thrust in harder, jolting him forward with each thrust, slamming in all the way to the hilt. 

Castiel willed his vessel to adjust, to support itself in spite of the brutal friction and stretch he was taking, at the same time attempting to relax and enjoy it. Such a fatal flaw his father had designed, that pain and pleasure could intertwine so easily. What was to stop one from true damage? 

Sam's arm circled his waist, holding him tightly in place as the thrusts began to cross the line into ruthless. Castiel could feel and hear Sam giving over to primal need, desperate to throw sanity to the wind and allow his body to fuck senselessly until it gave out, and allowed him peace. 

He could feel his vessel reaching its limit, and wondered briefly if that had been Sam's intention, to see if Castiel would knock him out and force him to stop. Castiel healed the flesh inside him as it came close to tearing, but Sam showed no sign of slowing down. 

"Sam... Sam, please-..." 

On instinct, Castiel reached for the arm Sam had around his waist, trying to pry it away, but Sam only seemed to squeeze harder, changing his angle somewhat. The adjustment was mercilessly perfect, making Castiel whimper and see stars with each ferocious plunge of Sam's member into his body. Suddenly, getting Sam to slow down wasn't the priority it had been, and he certainly didn't want Sam to stop. 

For a few emotional moments, Castiel wished Sam wasn't behind him, but that they'd been facing each other, if only to give him something to hold on to, something to see, lips to kiss. Despite being quite full, he felt empty. 

Pleasure washed through him, with a hint of unsettled disappointment in the back of his mind as his body gave in to the orgasm that Sam had been pushing him toward, his entire body seemingly firing every nerve ending at once, shaking him to the core. 

With his voice unrestrained, Sam's heat burst within him, and as Sam retreated less than gently from Castiel's body, his arms let go, and Castiel had to catch himself before landing heavily on the bed as Sam fell to the mattress next to him. 

Castiel shuddered slightly as Sam's hand grabbed him shoulder once again, still keeping some distance between them, "Cas... Oh, man, that was.... That was great... You okay?" 

Castiel opened his mouth to reply, but it took a moment for him to remember how to speak, "I-... Yes... Uh, did you...? I mean,-" 

Sam shook his head, "Nah, I'm great, just fine." 

Castiel couldn't help giving a few minor tired and uncomfortable sounds as he turned over, trying to place what he was feeling. Part of him - most of him, if he was being honest - felt satisfied beyond belief. Part of him was reveling in the successful trade of the pleasures of the flesh, another part was deeply pleased by bringing comfort and companionship to his friend, and a very human part was riding high on oxytocin and other freshly fucked hormones. But there was no denying that something deep within him was either unsatisfied or displeased. 

He turned his head where it lay to look at his friend. Sam was a tall, muscular man, and quite pleasing to look at. His skin carried a healthy glow and a thin sheen of sweat, certainly not something Castiel minded the sight of. 

At the same time, though, the moment was over. Castiel stifled his urge to scoot closer, to kiss Sam softly, and stroke his cheek. He was sure that wasn't what Sam wanted, because if it had been something Sam wanted, Sam would find a way to take it. It was simply the way Sam was. 

It pained him to consider it, but he wasn't certain he wanted to do this with Sam again. Perhaps Sam would be willing to compromise, face him, or even be the one being penetrated... But he doubted it. 

Castiel looked up at the ceiling and tried to relax. It had pleased him comfort his friend. And he'd do it again, if asked, conflicted or not. 

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

It hadn't exactly been an odd occurrence, nor anything out of the ordinary for Dean to ask him to accompany him to town for supplies. 

They hadn't spoken privately in some time, and as he'd promised, he'd been discreet. Sam knew nothing of his sexual encounter with Dean. It had been some time ago. 

"Okay, so, we need to hit up the canned stuff, stuff that won't go bad before we can use it. Sam said there's like, 'boxed milk' in the baking stuff, so we don't have a jug wasted like that last time, and, of course, we grab one of those frozen key lime pies, it'll thaw before we get back, not a shabby way to end dinner... Also gonna need a few bags of salt, a few bottles of butane... Sam said to grab him a pack of socks... Man, I should've made a list." Dean said, rambling slightly to fill the silence before turning to Castiel, "Anything you need while we're out?" 

"I can't think of anything I'd need, but I would like to see the aquariums if we have time." Castiel replied quietly. 

"Yeah, we got time." Dean assured him, "Hey, you know what? We should swing through the toy section, get you one of those paddle-ball games." 

"What would be the point in that?" Castiel asked. 

Dean shot him a look, "Yeah, I guess you're right, you'd be too good at it for it to be any fun." 

They drove on in a comfortable silence for some time before Dean turned the stereo on. A few of his typically preferred songs played, and he tried to keep his voice to a minimum as he sang along under his breath. A slower song came on, and Dean stopped singing along. This was generally the point, Castiel knew, where Dean would change the station, especially if the song contained too many references to emotional attachment, but Dean made no move to adjust the dial. 

Perhaps he didn't want to take his eyes off the road. Castiel had seen Sam change the station before, and within the two hundred mile radius of the bunker, Dean had several buttons programmed for the stations he found pleasant. Castiel reached to press one, in an attempt to be useful, but as he leaned forward, Dean gently took his hand, and brought it back down to the seat between them, holding it for a moment before he let go, and brought his hand back to the steering wheel. 

"Sorry... I didn't know you liked this song." Castiel said in apology. 

Dean shrugged slightly, "It's okay. Not my usual stuff, but, I don't know, it's kind of nice." 

The car was quiet a bit longer before Castiel decided to address the inevitable, "Dean, if you want to talk about-" 

"Not really." 

"Dean, I know it's a difficult subject." 

"It's not, Cas. I just-... Hell, I don't know..." Dean seemed to think it over, but then the car started to slow down, and he pulled off the road into an abandoned gas station. 

Castiel looked out the window, "Why are we stopping?" 

Dean put the car into park and turned to face him, leaning in close, and kissing him softly. Castiel was confused for a moment but quickly began returning the kiss, adjusting in place to face Dean easier, bringing his knee up onto the center seat. 

Castiel's voice was soft as Dean pulled back for a moment, "I assume you want to take this further?" 

"No, this is good. I mean, if you're cool with it." 

Castiel nodded, "I am... Cool with it, I mean." 

"Good." Dean replied with a bit of a nod, cupping his cheek gently, and kissing him again. 

Castiel pushed the kiss further, scooting a little closer to Dean on the seat, their kisses intensifying, the nasal sounds of Dean's breathing becoming more agitated with each moment. 

Dean's tongue slid out, tasting Castiel's lower lip, the tiniest whisper of a rasp of taste buds against his soft pink flesh. Castiel snaked an arm around Dean's body, pulling him close, pressing his own tongue deeper into Dean's mouth, where Dean met it with his own soft motions and a gentle suck and whimper. 

Castiel pulled away a moment, well aware of Dean's slight panting, "Dean, I, uh..." 

"What's the matter?" 

"If we keep going like this, then, well..." 

"Cas?... You seemed like you were having a good time. What's going on in there?" Dean asked genuinely, tapping his thumb to Castiel's temple as he stroked the dark hair back from the angel's face. 

"You said you don't want to take this further, but you're giving every indication that you do, and the sounds you're making are very arousing. I think I'm getting mixed signals." 

Dean sat back in his seat, thumbing a bit of excess moisture away from the corner of his mouth, "Sorry, Cas, I'm not trying to frustrate you... Just, well, what we did a while back? We kind of jumped into it, and I just thought maybe you'd want to make out a bit... You know, if you want to, we can always go again, sometime when it's not, y'know, broad daylight, where any state trooper can pull up and stick us on a sex offender list over car sex." 

"You'd want to take this further at a more convenient time?" 

"After last time? Hell yes." Dean said emphatically, "This was just, y'know, a, uh, lesser bit of fun. That's all." 

"You're sharing yourself with me." Castiel said softly, a hint of wonder in his voice. 

Dean shrugged slightly, "We're good friends who care about each other having some fun, Cas. It's supposed to feel good. Or, preferably, downright fucking amazing, like it did." 

"And close? Last time you said-" 

"Yeah. Close, too." 

Castiel glanced out the window, "Did you feel close, last time?" 

"I already felt pretty close to you, Cas. Profound bond, right? And how many times have you saved my life, or I've saved yours? You pulled me out of hell. Everything we've been through together? ...I don't know what you want to call it, okay? I just know we're really tight, and this thing, if it keeps going, it, um... Cas, you..." 

Castiel turned back to look at him, and Dean found himself lost and helpless in a set of big blue eyes he'd found transfixing since the moment they'd first met. Somehow, when Jimmy had surfaced, the same eyes were completely different and held no appeal, but his Cas... It was always such an effort to look away. 

"Okay, um, listen... You're still a little new at this, I don't want to be the reason you get blue balls, so, um... Let's just get to the store, get back, and later on, we'll find some time to have some fun together, okay?" 

Castiel nodded, "I suppose you would know better than I would, but... Before you start driving again-?" 

Dean leaned in close and kissed him softly, "Yeah?" 

Castiel nodded once more, indicating that had been his request, "Yes." 

* * *

During most of the quiet drive, Castiel had contemplated displays of affection in popular culture, as he knew from all of the books and films Metatron had transferred to his mind.

Dean rarely made unscheduled stops, especially on an open highway. He found the feel of the road hypnotic and sensual and avoided stopping. But he had stopped. 

He hadn't wanted sex, or maybe he had, and he was settling for something more appropriate. Try as he might, however, Castiel couldn't picture Sam wanting to kiss softly for a short time without continuing. And as though the unscheduled stop hadn't confused him enough, Dean had held his hand for a bit on the way back to the bunker. 

He wasn't sure, but it seemed juvenile. He couldn't recall Dean doing that with any of the women he'd pick up in bars from time to time. 

According to a book that seemed to be written for teenaged girls, holding hands was supposed to be a way to show affection without 'taking things too far.' He flexed his fingers at the thought, thinking of the feeling of Dean's tight ring of muscles around his own straining erection, and the thick white spurts of almost gel-like fluid spraying from Dean's slit, and felt comfortable assuming that they had already taken things much further than the book would have suggested as appropriate. 

He wondered if Dean felt pressured, that had been in the book as well. And he had been somewhat insistent. But Dean had assured him he had wanted to proceed, and later, that he had enjoyed himself. 

Consent, where sex was concerned, was so very different than the consent required to obtain a vessel. 

"Dean?" Castiel asked as the radio's music changed to commercials. 

"Yeah?" 

Castiel spoke carefully, concern lacing his voice, "I don't mean to pressure you into putting out." 

Dean chuckled hard, "What? ...Oh, you're serious. Cas, no, this is, uh... I don't know where you picked that up, but, no. I am not some virginal little newbie, okay? I'm past the point of worrying about that, trust me. I know what I'm doing, I know what I want, and what I don't, okay? And I'm not shy about it, either... I don't want you to be scared to ask, Cas. If you want to have some fun, that's awesome, you let me know." 

Castiel nodded absently, considering what else the book had said, mostly concerning the kissing. But Dean wasn't an adolescent, and they'd already had intercourse, so there didn't seem to be any reason to discourage it. On the other hand, a magazine article came to mind, one listing various ways to be intimate with one's partner without sex. 

Intimate... Dean didn't get intimate, Dean beheaded things, and slept with anything that said yes. Did he know what he was doing? ... Close... 

Castiel decided he had to sort out his own emotions concerning the man before he had any right to question Dean's. 

But at the same time, what of Sam? He certainly didn't mind offering up his body for Sam's pleasure, as it pleased him to do so, but there was no emotional attachment. The categories his time with Sam could fall into seemed to span Lust, Comfort, and Mutual Stress-relief. He did have a love for Sam, as a friend, he did still want to provide him with that physical comfort, but it was not at all the same thing he felt for Dean. 

Dean, who wanted to hold his hand, make out in a car, and waited patiently, if somewhat bored as Castiel perused the small wall of aquariums at the big box store, looking at all of the fish, fiddler crabs, and snails. 

Castiel felt conflicted. The two were nothing alike. They wanted very different things from him, but he couldn't play favorites, that wouldn't be fair. Of course, there was the possibility that Sam only sought a physical release from him, and maybe Dean wanted a more emotional connection, to which sex was only a secondary activity. 

Maybe it was still possible to handle each relationship separately, and not compare the two, satisfying both. He considered the trash-TV he'd watched for a while, and wondered if the Winchesters were ever to find out, what sort of altercation might happen. But he'd promised each of them separately that he was not going to tell the other. And neither had asked if he was involved with anyone else, so he'd assumed they hadn't considered it any of their business. Certainly, as long as he was not spreading any sort of diseases, or impregnating anyone, what business was it of theirs what he did, and who he shared his body with? 

* * *

After dinner, and a long discussion between the two brothers concerning a case, Sam had turned in early in order to leave before dawn.

Dean, however, had other plans, and suggested Castiel accompany him to his bed. 

Castiel took over the moment the door was closed, Dean's tough-guy facade falling away like so much chaff. He found it hard to put together a coherent thought once Castiel's hand was snaking its way up below his shirts over delicate skin, holding him just too far away to reach Castiel's lips with his own. Against his will snuck out the most unmanly of whimpers as his blood began to run in a cold heat. 

Fingers curled inward and Dean could feel the back of Castiel's nails running over his ribs, up his spine, all the way to his collar, but still, Castiel wasn't allowing their mouths to connect. Dean's hands slid up Castiel's arms to rest on his shoulders as the motion gently rocked him closer, cheeks met, stubble rasping and after a breathy attempt to speak, finding he had nothing to say, Dean turned his head, latching onto Castiel's earlobe with a comfortable hum. 

Dean's warm, broken breath in his ear, mouth beginning to move down his neck, Castiel pulled him tighter, their broad chests meeting, tilting his head to let Dean play with his flesh. He'd half expected the same roughened biting he'd received from Sam, but this was far more delicate, and it was easy to see Dean's efforts were of a giving nature. He dragged his nails sharply down Dean's spine, making the hunter gasp and moan in his ear, his task abandoned, pressing bodily against Castiel. 

Castiel abruptly pulled his hands away, leaving Dean a shaky and confused mess, "Cas?" 

He wasn't certain, but he'd seen behavior that was submissive and similar to Dean's in porn once, and Dean seemed to be turned on enough that he was willing to risk it, "Get on your knees." 

At the sound of Castiel's dusky order, Dean was suddenly awash in a fresh wave of pleasured pheromones, Castiel could tell by his scent, and immediately, if slowly, sank to his knees, his hands trailing down from Castiel's shoulders, down his chest, settling on his hips to steady himself before he deftly unfastened Castiel's belt and slacks, pulling the clothes well out of the way. 

Dean looked up, meeting Castiel's eyes as he took him deep into his mouth, cradling him softly with his warm, wet tongue, closing his eyes and developing a tiny crease between his brows as his lips closed and he pulled back slowly as though it were some form of intimate kiss. 

The feel of Dean's lips around him made Castiel wet his own subconsciously, his hand falling to Dean's neck, stroking his cheek with his thumb as Dean slowly moved. Dean's hand on Castiel's hip shifted to slip below the clothing, stroking tender touches against the skin. Castiel set a firm hand against the wall as Dean began to pick up speed, looking up every now and again to catch Castiel's eyes. 

"Dean..." Castiel whispered. 

It was a gift. A gift from the heart. Dean wasn't asking for anything in return, and he would continue until he'd finished Castiel, and he would do it gladly. 

The thought made him twitch, displacing Dean's rhythm, but only for a moment. 

"That's enough," Castiel said, both quietly, and firmly, tugging Dean to his feet, kissing him deeply. It crossed his mind only for a moment that he could ask the same questions Sam had asked of him before, and perhaps learn an appropriate response, but on the other hand, there were a number of ways that could become problematic. For instance, if either of the two brothers had heard the other speak to a partner in the same manner, it could cause confusion and reveal the secrets he had promised each of them to keep. 

"Dean..." Castiel said softly, watching as Dean licked his lips. Castiel met his eyes, and raised a hand to cup his cheek in a tender moment that seemed to leave Dean out of breath over nothing. He'd been considering a statement regarding Dean's mouth, but he wasn't sure how it would be received, and in his few breaths of stalling, Dean slowly moved closer, kissing him with a hint of a whimper imperceptible to the human ear. 

Castiel embraced him, returning his kiss, and taking a deep and firm grasp of Dean's ass with one hand, feeling the bulge in the front of Dean's jeans press hard against him. 

"Hm!-... Bed?" Dean managed to pant out. 

"Yes," Castiel replied, steering him roughly through the short distance, catching hold of Dean by the ribs and lifting him off the ground a few inches to deposit him on the bed somewhat roughly. 

A small sound of surprise left the man as he came down fast onto the soft mattress. There was a momentary look of confusion and concern in his eyes, as would be expected from anyone with such a violent lifestyle, but as his eyes found Castiel's he relaxed visibly. 

Castiel removed Dean's clothing quickly as Dean struggled to cooperate with the angel's speed, having no time to do anything else, and suddenly found Castiel's clothing had disappeared at some point, "Man, this would go a lot faster if I could do that." 

A burning look of lust graced Castiel's features, and he took hold of Dean once again, taking him by the hips and pulling him up off the bed to face away from him on his hands and knees, dragging him back toward the edge of the bed. Dean complied at each movement, and seemed to be content with the position, but it wasn't what Castiel had in mind. 

Dean gasped suddenly as Castiel's arm reached below his chest, taking a very soft hold of the front of Dean's throat, and raised him up to kneel on the edge of the bed, his erection bumping into Dean carelessly, his other hand coming down over Dean's hip, slowly stroking downward, between his legs, and reversing direction, one fingertip tracing the crease of his thigh. 

Dean shivered and his breathing was hard as Castiel's mouth on his neck and hands everywhere else was suddenly overwhelming. A deep moan became a whimper as a pressure appeared out of nowhere deep within him, confusing him, as he was certain he could feel Castiel's member against his skin. 

"Cas?... Oh fuck... That's... Oh, don't stop, don't stop..." Dean whispered, reaching behind him for any piece of Castiel's skin he could find as his body seemed to drift toward its intended goal of its own accord. His head fell back onto Castiel's shoulder as his pleasure intensified, unable to speed up or slow down the mysterious build that drove him closer to climax. 

Dean managed to get one hand behind Castiel's neck as his body gave tiny squirms of delight that set them into a slight sway. He turned his head toward Castiel, seeking blindly, and was answered with a deep, gentle kiss as his pleasure suddenly began to subside, much to his disappointment. 

Castiel wrapped his arms snugly around Dean, continuing to kiss him, soothing him as his shot nerves screamed at the chance of orgasm that was slowly fading. The kiss seemed to contain the promise that Dean would be cared for, and brought to completion, and soon. 

In a haze of overwrought senses, Dean shook slightly as Castiel gently guided him back into the position he wanted to try, compliant to a fault. He was barely aware of his own circular thoughts, or when they broke through the thin line between thinking very loud, and actually speaking, "Cas... please, Cas... I need it, really need it... Are you..? Did you want- what do you want me to- ohhh, anything..." 

_Anything,_ Dean had promised, as Castiel aligned himself. He'd prepared him with grace, adjusting Dean's own body chemistry to lubricate him, well aware that with some care, Dean would be perfectly comfortable, and able to proceed right away. He even seemed to be wound up deeply enough in pleasure not to realize Castiel had not done the preparation Dean should have been expecting. 

His grace was charged with emotion at the joy he felt providing comfort and tenderness, worshipping the human's body, activating nerves Dean likely didn't know existed. His efforts moved through Dean's skin, loosening tight muscles, and soothing every possible ache, and flooding the man's brain with endorphins. Castiel slid inside slowly as Dean's arms threatened to buckle. 

"Cas... oh, hell yeah... I can't... I need you, Cas... I can't trust anybody else like this..." 

"Dean, you need to take a few deep, slow breaths. You aren't getting enough oxygen because you keep trying to talk." 

With a nod, Dean tried to steady his breathing, but was only able to focus on the thick stretch of Castiel within him, and the deliberate centimeter by centimeter slide of flesh as Castiel began to move. 

Dean's voice came out in a breathy whisper, much more a pleading request than the demand as it was worded, "Fuck me." 

"I am." 

"More." 

"No more than this right now." 

Dean shook his head as sweat dripped from his brow to the blanket below him, "C'mon, Cas, I can take it." 

"That's not what I want to do, Dean... I want to take my time, and find out how far I can take you... It makes me happy." Castiel replied, feeling Dean pick up his same slow motion. 

Dean stifled a small moan, some small piece of him still conscious enough to try to maintain his precious tough image, even now, "Makes you happy...?" 

"Yes. Very happy." Castiel replied, changing his angle only a fraction and sliding thickly over the one area that could make Dean give a hard shake and an unrestrained moan. 

Dean did his best to collect himself, swallowing a whimper, "Happy is good... both be happy... feels just so fucking... happy... Cas, please, I-oh, fuck yes..." 

"Dean," Castiel said softly, "Tell me, in detail, how you want this to happen next time." 

"I want... oh, god yes... we, uh... go have fun somewhere first?" 

"What kind of fun?" 

Dean shrugged at an awkward angle, still trying to keep his torso off the bed, "A date? I don't know." 

Castiel nodded, "You probably haven't been on an actual date in years, have you? So often just taking women home from bars." 

Dean shook his head, "Cas... we don't have to... Just kind of, um..." 

"You miss it." 

Dean nodded through a groan that vibrated his ribs, "Yeah... no pressure, just-... hmm! Can you speed up? Starting to remember my own name." 

Castiel pressed in deeply, bringing his hands below Dean to stroke his fingers over hardened flesh, "It won't last." 

Dean was about to question why that was when he felt waves of intense pleasure wash through him in echoing ripples. 

"Dean? ...I want to know more." 

"I don't know," Dean huffed, "Dinner, movie, park in the middle of nowhere and fool around in the back seat?" 

Castiel wrapped his hand around Dean firmly, keeping a tight grip on him as he continued to move slowly. With his other hand he stroked aimlessly and softly at the flesh of Dean's back, a whisper of a touch here, a ghost of a scratch there, never any discernible pattern, confusing the nerves, winding Dean's frustration into a tight knot. With each passing moment Dean felt more and more certain he would burst at any time, finding himself with no control, and yet the climax always just beyond his reach. 

Dean's breath was a ragged mess, and his body rocked gently as Castiel continued to press into him slowly, something very much inhuman holding him on the brink, cool and soothing, yet warm, and even flashes of hot. He lost himself in suspended pleasure, whispers of Castiel's name a prayer on his lips. 

After Castiel was certain he'd kept Dean at the breaking point for well over any normal amount of time, and even with his influence, Dean's weariness would soon set in, he curled forward over Dean's back, wrapping his free arm around Dean's chest, pressing his lips to the back of Dean's shoulder tenderly, "Dean... this is very enjoyable, but I'm going to finish you now." 

Dean nodded a bit too quickly, shaking as he did, but his movements hadn't even stopped before Castiel buried himself completely within Dean's body, and set alight every pleasure point in one go. 

The angel's blue eyes burned a very different shade as the man below him was trapped in a silent scream, his body locking up every muscle involuntarily as he hit his limits, aware of nothing but the feel of his own body, and the angel's. 

As he finally began to come down from his high, desperate to prolong it in any way possible, sure he would never reach such heights again, warmth flooded within him as Castiel spilled over with a deep groan. 

"Cas," Dean whispered hazily, his voice rough, gravity lost to him as he tried to sort out which way was up, "Hey..." 

Dean quickly found himself wrapped in Castiel's arms, face to face with him, and both laying on their sides. 

"Holy..." Dean couldn't find any words to follow it, all thoughts gone as Castiel looked deeply into his eyes. The angel answered him with a kiss, and once those eyes had closed for a moment, Dean seemed to have a bit more blood available to his brain, "I think I blacked out a couple of times." 

"Four times." Castiel answered, "But you seemed to enjoy it." 

"Yeah, I did." 

"I... I need a short time to recover, but if you'd like to do more-" 

Dean shook his head, "No, this, um... This is what I want right now... if you're up for it." 

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: It's been a while, and this one is a bit dark concerning past abuse.)

* * *

Sam nodded at Castiel's suggestion with a slight pant to his breath, "Uh... Yeah, okay... I guess we can."

With a hint of a pleased smile, Castiel waited as Sam lay down in the middle of the bed before straddling the man's narrow hips, easing himself down slowly around the thick, rock hard erection as Sam's eyes fell closed, tipping his head back.

Castiel settled his hands on Sam's firm stomach, tracing the muscles with his thumbs as he began to move. Sam gripped his thighs tightly, squirming beneath him as Castiel picked up speed. His hips jolted upward with a mind of their own, and a grunt from Sam as he grasped Castiel's hips and tugged at him, seeming to beg for a harder, faster pace.

"Sam, this is not-"

"Sorry, yeah, just... hard, okay? I have a hard time with it if I'm not, uh-"

"The one moving?" Castiel offered.

Sam nodded, shifting to take hold of Castiel between his thighs, stroking him, his angle awkward, but his intentions on Castiel, "I'm gonna try, okay? I'll try to hold still, but... Keep going, if it's not working, we'll change it up."

With a somewhat disheartened expression and determined to try his best, Castiel thrust his hips downward, concerned that full force might cause fractures in the human's pubic bone. His speed quickened to a pace he was sure surpassed most human capabilities, finding it nearly painful, but it still didn't seem to be enough for Sam, who continued to squirm in frustration.

"Cas... C'mon, harder... It's not... not enough."

Castiel was still carrying a residual disappointment, less than pleased with Sam's half-hearted and short attempt at pleasing him orally, which he'd done only at Castiel's request. Sam was a selfish lover, he couldn't help it. He wanted to take, and would have been best paired with one who wanted to be taken. Anything else was difficult for him. Castiel was well aware of this, and had hoped desperately that they'd come to a compromise. His hopes were quickly dashed, however, as Sam took hold of his ribs roughly and rolled him down into the mattress, writhing heavily above him, and gaining his balance on his knees.

As Sam quickly began slamming into Castiel's body, Castiel's annoyance increased exponentially. He attempted to relax, accommodating his friend, but any scrap of want or need had left him. He cared for Sam, and loved him, but any pleasure he was feeling at this point was purely physical, and of little consequence.

Castiel brought his knees higher, resting his calves on Sam's back, breathing deeply and silently willing Sam to finish quickly, in more ways than one.

Sam gave a deep growl, "Oh, shit... Cas, c'mon, don't do that."

"I'm only trying to make it easier."

Sam shook his head, and continued as Castiel's invisible effort subsided. It wasn't long before Sam's thrusts were growing painful, and Castiel was tired of healing himself only to spare Sam the guilty feelings later, so he pressed his hand to Sam's chest, causing a bright glow, a deep, forceful orgasm ripped through Sam's body, his tip spraying his heat hard against Castiel's prostate - only a minor pleasure he normally would have enjoyed greatly, and as Sam collapsed at the sudden reaction, Castiel welcomed him into his arms, partially from relief that he was done.

There was no closeness. Not from Sam. Not unless Sam was asleep, and even then, it seemed involuntary.

It was only a moment later that Sam rolled away with a chuckle, "You're taking all the fun out of it, man."

"It was starting to hurt."

"Sorry... I bet that shitty attempt at a blowjob wasn't doing me any favors, huh?" Sam asked, his lack of attention seeming to imply he didn't really care to hear Castiel's answer, wiping the sweat from his forehead and stroking his hair back from his face as Castiel stood from the side of the bed and began gathering his clothes, "Hey, Cas? You okay?"

Castiel wanted to answer that he liked Sam far better when he was clothed, which, although he wasn't entirely disinterested in him sexually, was quickly becoming true. He shrugged, "I'm fine, Sam. It's just been a very long day."

Sam seemed to agree with a nod, "Did you get off?"

"Uh-"

"C'mon, Cas, I can try again, give you a handjob, something. I owe you, I mean, I've literally been, uh..." Sam gestured toward him, and crude terms surfaced easily in Castiel's mind.

"It's fine, Sam. There's very little you could do for me that I can't do for myself."

Sam shrugged, "Well, I mean, if you, um, just... if you want to, if you can make sure it wouldn't hurt-"

"It seems fairly clear to me that you don't want that." Castiel replied, pulling on his boxers.

Sam rolled onto his stomach, reaching for Castiel's hand, barely out of reach, "Hey, c'mon, Cas... Don't leave like this, okay? Just give me a chance. I don't like disappointing you, and, well, seems like that's been happening a lot lately... Maybe not like, not reciprocating, but, like you aren't all that into it."

With a hidden eyeroll, Castiel sank to sit on the edge of the bed, letting his clothes fall to the floor as Sam came closer, slowly wrapping around him in something of an embrace. Sam pressed his chest against the back of Castiel's shoulders and adjusted his legs to hang off the bed on either side of Castiel, pulling him in close, kissing Castiel's neck roughly, his hands wandering the angel's flesh.

Sam wasn't shy at all about shoving the boxers aside, "Cas, I really appreciate that I can just let go with you... I'm trying to figure out how to make sure you get the chance to do the same thing, but, with the whole angel thing, I don't know how safe that could be, y'know? ...And there's some stuff, that's..."

"I don't feel any need to treat you the same way." Castiel replied in what he hoped was a comforting answer.

"But you want to be in control, right? And that's-... Look, I'd really rather not talk about it, but, if you want to know-"

"I know, Sam." Castiel said in a purposeful tone.

"You do?"

"Of course. Well before I met you, I knew everything, starting at your birth. It was always difficult for you, that's why your lovers have been so few and far between. That sort of trauma leaves a scar on the soul," Castiel explained, "I also know that was exploited to torture you in the cage, likely the reason you've avoided almost all sexual contact since your soul was reinstated... I'm sorry."

Sam's hands had stilled and gave a slight shake as Castiel spoke, and Castiel took hold of one, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Sam, I didn't mean to-"

"Yeah, I know." Sam replied numbly, with an apparent mental retreat.

Castiel turned around carefully where he sat, and pulled Sam into a firm embrace, "Very rarely do human beings end up in hell without making deals or purposely corrupting themselves, but there is particularly gruesome punishment awaiting the one who hurt you. I have seen it."

Sam seemed to relax into Castiel and leaned his head on the angel's shoulder. His breathing had changed noticeably, as he seemed almost paralyzed.

"Sam," Castiel said softly, "I don't know if this is really the time to discuss it-"

Sam gave a slight shiver while drawing a shaky breath, "It's hard, okay? I mean, a big part of it is, you're a guy, and..."

"You're trying to block it out."

Sam nodded, "I know, I'm a mess, it's just- I'm not trying to hurt you, Cas."

Castiel felt Sam's arms tighten around him, "No, you wouldn't. Not consciously. But you aren't entirely yourself when you're... in the middle of things, but otherwise you can't continue... I understand it, Sam, but if this is going to continue between us, I... I need you to allow me to participate. I need you to stop shutting me out."

Sam avoided his eyes, "When, um... When you left my soul in the cage... You knew, right? All of it?"

"I don't know what you want to hear, Sam. I certainly don't want to make this any worse for you."

Tears threatened as Sam pressed his forehead to Castiel's shoulder, "I want to know how much you know."

Castiel nodded, "I know that Lucifer would cause you to remember the man dressed as a clown, as if you were still a child. I know he would insert himself into those same memories, and also warp them horrifically... I saw how much worse he made those hallucinations, by forcing your climax, planting ideas into your mind that it was somehow your fault... I know the worst part was the false memory he implanted that made you remember in the middle of that pain, that you had asked for it, while telling you that you were to blame... I also know how, without your soul, you continued something of a pattern, seeking as much mindless pleasure as you could obtain without hurting anyone. That's probably why the few times in the last several years you've slept with anyone, it's only when you've been nearly too drunk to consider your actions."

"Not with you." Sam muttered.

Castiel nodded, "It's a start, I suppose... Sam, whatever this is, between the two of us, I would prefer to see you become healthier from it... You're not well... I can't heal this like a physical wound, but if I can-"

Castiel was quieted quickly as Sam cut him off with a fairly timid kiss. It was gentle, if nipping slightly, intimate, but not lustful. He returned it immediately as a silent acceptance of Sam's silent thanks.

Finally breaking away, Castiel stroked the side of Sam's face softly. There were no tears. It was possible Sam was too broken to have any left, but his face gave away every scar on his wounded heart.

"Lay down, Sam," Castiel said softly, "You're tired... I'll keep the nightmares away."

With a look of absolute trust Castiel had only ever seen him give to Dean, Sam complied, and Castiel touched his face once more, easing him gently into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Tensions had been running high for three days, trying to find a case of any sort for over a week, and both Sam and Dean had started snapping at each other.

Castiel had gone for a few days, leaving them with an excuse, but in truth, he'd been trying to sort out his own feelings. None of it seemed fair to him, it was all confusing. Part of him felt as though he were playing favorites, and it wasn't fair. He wondered if there was a way to measure out his feelings, his affection, and provide an equal amount to each of them and whether it would be enough.

Sam had approached him during a fairly tense day and asked him to help relieve some stress, but soon after Sam had gotten undressed, Castiel had kissed him deeply, and after gaining Sam's hesitant permission, brought him to completion with grace, rather than putting physical effort into it. Sam had still been grateful, and far more relaxed, but it wasn't what he'd asked for, Castiel knew his less than enthusiastic reaction was beginning to become apparent.

The brothers had been at each other's throats on and off again all day, and it was building to a head. Something about Sam and the Impala had started it, and something about Dean and Sam's room had continued it.

"I'll get us all another beer. That tends to calm nerves for both of you." Castiel said quietly, getting up from his chair and starting for the kitchen, "Please refrain from bloodshed until I come back."

He hurried off to the kitchen as Dean gestured to his back and made a snide remark, "Great, even he thinks I'm some kind of asshole. You guys are teaming up on me, now, but I am not that bad!"

Castiel hurried back with a full six-pack of bottles in hand and had barely entered the library when Dean took special offense to something Sam had said, something Castiel had missed.

"You're one to talk, bitch!" Dean growled.

"Yeah. I am. But who drives me to it, huh? With-, with your stupid porn addiction, and your stupid obsession over your goddamn car! It's not a person, Dean! I love the car too, but grand scheme of things, it's just a fucking car!"

"Just where the hell do you get off-?"

"Lately? In Cas' ass." Sam spat out.

The color drained from Dean's face as Castiel quietly set the beers on the table, unsure what thoughts were behind Dean's reaction. Surprise? Fear? Awkwardness, certainly. He glanced down at the six pack and considered taking it back to the kitchen to trade it out for a large bottle of something much stronger.

Suddenly, thinking back to the trash-TV shows, he was incredibly concerned that there were far too many chairs in the room, and the two brothers would find it easy to throw them. He didn't want that. He could easily heal the Winchesters, but chairs... He was not well versed in carpentry.

"What?" Dean choked out quietly.

"Yeah, I said it. I'm tired of sneaking around, so, there it is." Sam answered. He soon realized Dean was refusing to meet his eyes, and his expression turned to one of concern, "What?"

"You're sleeping with Cas?"

"Like you care?" Sam asked, "Go ahead, be a jerk, get all the gay jokes out now, because in ten minutes it's not gonna be funny anymore, and I will start holding you accountable for any homophobic bullshit."

Dean locked his eyes on the table and shook his head, "No, um... Cas...?"

"Holy crap... Cas?" Sam asked looking up at him as realization broke. He could read his brother like an open book, "Are you seriously...? _Both_ of us? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell?!"

Castiel started to speak, but Dean was on his feet in a heartbeat, a hurt look in his eyes for Castiel, but anger as he turned to Sam, "Stop it, don't talk to him like that!"

"Shut up! Clearly, he can make his own decisions, and choose not to tell anybody about them, so-"

Castiel lost track of the words as Sam got to his feet, and the yelling continued. The conflict was soon too much for him, and he raised a hand to each of their shoulders, making them each go silent with a heavy grunt, gasping, and dropping back into their chairs.

"Not fair!" Dean ground out as his body gave a surprise burst of betrayal.

"Cas, that's ...not okay, surprise threesomes are totally off the table, okay?" Sam said over him as Dean made a comment about having to change his pants.

Castiel's eyebrows conveyed his confusion, "That wasn't on the table, your clothing-... Um..."

"Not okay, Cas!" Dean growled, "In private, that's one thing, out here? In an argument with my brother? The last thing either of us want is to get into a yelling match and suddenly both of us cream our pants! That is fucked up!"

Castiel shook his head, immediately regretting his action, but took on an angry tone of his own, exasperated with their behavior over several months, "Neither of you asked if I was involved with anyone else, both of you seemed to assume this was a casual undertaking, and both of you specifically asked me not to tell the other what was occurring... Exactly what would you have had me do? Break my word? To which one of you? And let me remind you both, my actions have been at your requests, not mine. It's not my fault if you both decide to ask for favors and then keep secrets from each other, you've seen the devastation that can bring, you've lived it."

Castiel started for the door, leaving the library silent, except for his quickly retreating footsteps echoing up the stairs in the war room. Sam shot a guilty look at Dean, who avoided looking at his brother altogether.

Castiel paused at the door, "Call me when you've sorted yourselves out, and not before. Not unless it's a case."

The door clanged shut behind him, and he gave a weary sigh.

The Winchesters were complicated men, but they were caring, loving people. They had taught him the true definition of family, far beyond any relationship he'd ever had with his brethren. They'd made him care about something well beyond orders. But he needed a break from them both.

Downstairs in the library, Dean glowered at Sam, "You're sleeping with Cas? I mean, Cas? What the hell, man?"

"So are you," Sam scoffed.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't have if I knew you guys had a thing going. But you told him not to tell me," Dean replied angrily.

Sam shook his head, "Same thing, again. You did it, too."

"I can't believe he would do this! I mean, you think you know a guy... Or, biblically, y'know, you _know_ a guy, then it turns out he's fucking your loser brother on the side... I don't know if I wanna know what the overlap might be. You don't think he did this on purpose?"

"He wouldn't. He, uh... He showed up when I would ask him to, like he said, only when I asked him to."

"Yeah, he did say that."

Sam glanced at the stairs, "Oh, god... you know, this is on us. I can't believe neither of us asked him if he was involved with anybody. I mean, he's been around, at least a little... I guess this was just, y'know, us using him."

"Yeah, we're getting into a bad habit of that. Not taking his feelings into consideration, I guess," Dean ran a hand over his face, "Now what?"

Sam reached for one of the beers Castiel had left on the table, popping it open, "Well, first we get drunk enough to get past the fact that we've not only slept with the same person... again - and at least Bobby probably wasn't also in that same club this time - but I'm guessing we've been passing him back and forth for a while."

Dean shuddered, glancing down at his very uncomfortable jeans, the stickiness in the fabric bothering him, "Pretty screwed up stuff."

"Yeah, tell me about it. I mean, it's one thing to lend you a shirt, I don't want to think about where your dick's been."

"Apparently not the same place yours was." Dean muttered.

"What?" Sam asked with a chuckle, "Dude."

"Don't 'dude' me, bitch."

"I'm not sure I am the bitch, sounds like that's you."

Dean shook his head, "Shut up. You were gay-sexing the hell out of him, and you know it."

"Not anymore, I think," Sam said quietly, causing Dean to look up and raise his eyebrows in a questioning manner, "It's um... Starting to get a little weird. I don't think it's gonna last much longer."

"Yeah, but, he, uh... He should have a say in that, right? I mean, like-"

"Tell him to choose?" Sam shrugged, "Sounds kind of..."

Dean shrugged, "I don't know... I just know if he's with you, I'm out."

"So he still has to choose, just, well... I think I know which way it's gonna go, and whichever way it goes, I think we should both remember, we kinda put him in this position." Sam said, taking a swig.

"Yeah... And no making fun of you and your boyfriend, huh?" Dean said, tugging at his inseam to adjust himself.

Sam shook his head, "Not really, just kind of a casual thing."

"Oh." Dean replied awkwardly, and reached for one of the beers, getting out of his seat and starting for his room to change.

Sam examined the label on his beer, but then called after him, over his shoulder, "Hey, so, what about you?"

"Huh?" Dean asked, pausing in the archway, "Oh, uh, yeah. Same, just, a, um, no big deal, having some fun, or whatever."

Sam nodded, not sure he believed him.

* * *

Castiel had spent several hours on the roof of an abandoned building he frequented when things were going right, and all seemed right with the world, or if he needed to think.

They'd been upset. They'd argued loudly over the table, right in front of him. His action to try to hush them both simultaneously had been a mistake, clearly, as both of them seemed further upset by it.

He felt inclined to check his phone, but stifled the urge. He would hear it if it rang, he knew. Neither of them had called.

It had been three hours.

He was a patient and eternal being. Or at least, that was what he continued to remind himself.

The Winchesters may as well have changed everything about him.

* * *

Sam felt disgusted with himself as he peeled out of his sticky clothes and got into the shower. It was a common occurrence for him, a feeling of shame he regularly attempted to avoid. He'd been devoid of it completely without his soul, impulses driving his every move, but as Castiel had assured him, his ethics had been intact. His ability to question his ethics at that time had simply vanished.

But now, no such luck.

Castiel was nothing like Jessica. Jess' needs had been so in tune with his own. She took requests gracefully, but never made them. She'd help him schedule out his life and keep him on track, but in bed, she was his plaything, and she loved it. She made it so easy to forget.

But she was gone. And five years later, Lucifer had been very bored. His entertainment was sickening. The hallucinations Sam had faced in the cage had been unspeakable, even with the knowledge of what Dean had been forced to do when he broke in hell.

The memory came back too quickly to stop. He'd looked up for a brief moment into a funhouse mirror only to find himself made up in garish colors, and this time it had been Jess who was the victim, pleading with him, tears flowing down her cheeks.

His stomach retched at the false echoes of Lucifer's quiet, delighted chuckle.

Sam occasionally wondered, given the jokes Dean would make, if he knew. If he had guessed, somehow. Sam had certainly slipped up in his speech regularly enough. It had been the last time, he knew that, because the time immediately following it, when Dean had next tried to leave Sam at a children's venue, had been when Sam had run away and gone missing for two weeks in Flagstaff.

Drying off, he put on pajamas and started for his room, moving through mercifully empty halls. 

It was too early for bed, and he considered watching some tv, but that would only serve as a distraction, a temporary escape without dealing with the actual problem.

He checked his phone, finding no calls, texts, or emails, and sent a message to Castiel.

_Can you drop in? I just want to talk_

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

"Cas, I'm sorry," Dean said quietly. Waves of intentionally hidden remorse echoed from his soul as he spoke, but there was far less emotion in his voice, "Asking you to keep a secret like that, that wasn't right."

Castiel gave a small nod as Dean tried not to meet his eyes, instead fussing with some minutia of care and maintenance below the hood of his car. Sadness ached within Dean, and behind it, curled up in a dark corner of his mind was a cold lump of fear. This was something he would have to handle on his own for now, as Castiel had decided certain boundaries had to remain instated for the time being. 

"I'm not ashamed of you, or anything we did together. You know that, right? I don't want you to think that."

"I don't think that, Dean."

"Should probably be ashamed of myself, though... Sam's probably right, probably just another round of us using you, not thinking of you as a person, and-"

"Dean, I'm not-"

"No," Dean said firmly, standing up straight to look him in the eye, "You're not human, sure, but you are a person. You deserve respect, and we dropped the ball, here. You were right. And those human sex hang-ups, how are we supposed to expect you to understand them? Hell, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it was right in the first place."

"I'm am ancient being, Dean, I'm capable of consent. And I certainly didn't hear you complaining," Castiel answered wryly.

Dean shrugged uncomfortably, "There's something else, Cas. I already told Sam, but, as long as you two are involved, I'm out. No more back and forth, no secrets. If you want to be with him, just-" Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but Dean grave an annoyed wave, "No. It's not fair to anybody. That taboo crap? That's just part of being human, we find certain stuff gross. But this way, you don't have to hide anything. Sorry if that puts you on the spot, but I can't keep this going now that I know."

Castiel's phone chimed with a text message, but aside from setting a hand in his pocket ready to retrieve it, he ignored it, "Do you mind explaining to me whether this is an ultimatum or an ending for you? I'd like to know where I stand."

Dean shook his head, his voice gentle, "It's him, or me, or neither. That's your choice, and I'm good with it however you want it, but if you're with him, you're not with me... I know you, Cas, I know you'll respect my choice not to be part of this."

As an angel, Castiel was able to sense the writhe of suffering behind the cool demeanor Dean put up as a front, and wondered how deeply his feelings had been hurt. It had never seemed like betrayal before, but the reaction both of the Winchesters had had made it seem so... Humans were so hard to decipher sometimes.

"I understand," Castiel said softly, "When I make my decision, I'll tell each of you privately."

Dean turned his attention back to his car as Castiel left the garage, checking his message as he walked. He was suspicious at first that Sam wasn't being completely honest, and would want to do more than speak privately, he nevertheless, he soon tapped gently on Sam's door.

"Sam?" he called softly, looking upward slightly as the door opened, lighting up the hallway.

Sam gave him a wide berth as he swung the door open wider than necessary, "Hey. Thanks for coming, I'm sorry, this whole thing just got way out of control."

"I'm not sure I understand why you felt it important to tell Dean during that argument, but-"

"No, you're right. That was our secret, and I shouldn't have gone and blabbed it like that, I'm sorry. And I know things with us have just been really tense lately, and you... You've been trying to help me the whole time, trying to comfort me, and I haven't been, um... I don't know if I can treat you the way you should be treated. The way anybody should be treated. Hell, maybe I'm not even capable of that. But I want you to know, before anything else happens, that I care about you as a friend, and maybe it's not a relationship type of love, but I do love you, and I want what's best for you. I just don't think that's me, not with me as screwed up as I am."

"You don't want this to continue," Castiel guessed.

"That's not it. And, actually, this has nothing to do with Dean, either, I'm just worried about... You know this isn't healthy, you see it. I'm not okay, Cas, and so I just.... I can't keep using you like this, this isn't-" Sam was clearly becoming more agitated with every word, and Castiel stepped closer, reaching a hand toward Sam's shoulder, but Sam pulled away, "Don't. Don't touch me, we'll just wind up in the bed, you know that."

"We won't. Not this time. Sam, do you still trust me?" Castiel asked softly.

Holding back tears, Sam gave a cautious nod, and Castiel stepped closer, settling one hand on Sam's shoulder, his thumb and a couple of fingers making contact with the skin of Sam's neck. Right away he attempted to use his influence to calm the man, settling him into a more cooperative and open state of mind.

"Sam, I have the knowledge of several volumes on human psychology and psychiatry in my mind, and I have an idea. If this is too strange for you, tell me, and I will stop right away."

The look on Sam's face was apprehensive but he gave a whispered 'okay' and Castiel altered Sam's perception to instead see Castiel as a projection, or clone of himself. The resemblance was exact, down to the clothes he wore, and he was disoriented as Castiel began to speak only to hear his own voice coming from Castiel's mouth, which was, to his mind, currently an exact model of his own.

"Sam... It's still me in here," the cadence and pronunciation were still clearly Castiel, "But I'm of the opinion that finding a manner in which to forgive yourself, and learn to trust yourself again would be the best way for you to proceed in healing. Your brain will assume you wouldn't cause yourself harm, and as such, it may be easier for you to accept affection and forgiveness in this manner."

Still a bit put off by the oddity of something far more real than speaking into a mirror, Sam stammered slightly, attempting to put words together as Castiel stepped closer and embraced him.

"Cas? ...I don't understand."

"It's alright, Sam. This is less about comprehension, and more about attempting a visual slight of hand to push your brain into allowing itself to heal. Though it could do the opposite, as you've been through a similar trick that was detrimental to your health. But I assure you, it's still me. You can trust me not to abuse this or harm you."

Sam stood silently, taking in the strange feeling of being held in the arms of his double, grateful he'd had so many years with Castiel to give him a deep trust regarding the angel's intentions. As the unnerving sense of something being terribly amiss began to wear away, Sam put his arms around what he knew, logically, to be Castiel, and tried to cooperate. Whatever Castiel was doing, he was sure he had good reason for it.

Soon, Castiel as his duplicate stepped back, keeping a hand on his shoulder, "Sam... Bearing in mind that it's me causing this hallucination, I want you to consider that condition we discussed some years ago, the one about phantom limb syndrome?"

Sam nodded, "That whole looking in a mirror and making a fist thing to make the hand cramps stop?"

"Yes. Only, instead of a missing limb, what you're seeing, hearing, and can physically touch, even if touch won't be exact, should put your brain into a forced sense of security. The goal at hand is self care, do you understand?"

Sam gave a hint of a nod once more and raised his hand to the side of Castiel's face with a gentle touch, feeling a similar amount of stubble on his skin to what he could see, if slightly displaced. The effect was dizzying, but he could see the sense in it. Hesitantly he stepped closer to Castiel this time, wrapping around the double of his own body, and pressing a soft kiss to the other's cheek. He still felt very self conscious, and had to remind himself that he'd been sleeping with the guy for some time, so a kiss on the cheek should have paled greatly in comparison. It felt so strange.

"I'm sorry," Sam's own voice came quietly to his ear, "I should have tried this sooner."

"How's this supposed to work?" Sam asked, "Like, what are you hoping to have happen?"

"I was hoping you'd relax enough to both show and accept some sort of mild affection without your usual apprehension. And it seems to be working... I think this might be enough for today."

Sam nodded and gave a small squeeze, not rough, not bone-crushing, but a soft extra bit of pressure before he let go, and Castiel allowed his hand to drop from Sam's neck ending the illusion. Watching his own face fade away to reveal his friend's, Sam felt an overwhelming moment of loss, and it showed on his face, "Um, I'm sorry, Cas. I feel like crap even asking, but, can we try that again some other time?"

"That was my intention."

"Thank you," Sam said softly. His emotions felt stilled, far more than anything else had relaxed him in a considerable amount of time. With the pressure of a deep suppression lifted, an old pain began to surface, one he hadn't acknowledged in a very long time, and suddenly he wanted to be alone.

Castiel must have sensed it, and giving Sam a friendly pat on the arm, he turned to go, closing the door behind him.

Conflicting thoughts raced in Sam's mind as he took a seat on his bed and allowed a release of cathartic tears.

* * *

Something was off. Dean placed it the moment he walked into the library. Castiel had finally purchased a meager computer for his own use, though where he'd picked up the cash for it, Dean had no idea, and wasn't about to ask, but he didn't bother to look up as Dean approached the table from his back. He supposed the angel's residual powers allowed him a very clear ultrahuman sense of who was around him, and he was perfectly comfortable to ignore Dean for the time being.

His chair was at an angle to the table. that had to be it. Castiel was a very dead-on kind of guy, orderly and organized, even when his mind was half gone and he'd become three types of loopy. The angle of the chair was enough to put Dean on edge.

"So... It's been, what? Three? Four days? Did I miss a text?" Dean asked, taking a seat across the table from him. His attitude had taken a gruffer turn of late, and Castiel felt certain it was connected to the fresh distance and raw feelings between them. Dean had closed down, likely from pain, a pain Castiel was finding he shared.

"If you're asking if I made my decision-"

"Yeah, Cas, I'm asking if you made your decision," Dean replied arrogantly.

A faint echo Dean couldn't possibly hear told him that Sam was in a particularly deep sleep, and wouldn't overhear them. Despite the frustration it caused him, he closed the laptop and met Dean's eyes, "Dean, there's something you don't know. I kept your secret, will you keep one?"

"I'm not going behind Sam's back, and if you think I would, you're an asshole."

Castiel rolled his eyes, "No, Dean. You've made your position clear... What I am trying to tell you is that... There's something wrong with Sam. There are things he's been through, most of them at Lucifer's doing, and I suspect my decision to leave his soul in the cage only made the trauma far worse."

"Something's wrong with him? What?"

"Dean, it's personal. He won't be comfortable speaking to you about this. What I need you to understand at this juncture is that I am trying to help him."

Traces of anger and hurt cycled as Dean's emotions roiled within, and guilt rose inside Castiel as it became clear that he needed to be more direct. Everything he'd experienced, every ounce of selfish humanity that had taken root in his psyche demanded he take Dean into his arms and recant. But he fought it down. He would do what was right, even if it killed him. Or worse, broke his eternal heart.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I do care for you, deeply, as I know you care for me, but if you knew the extent of the damage, you'd end this yourself and send me to Sam," Castiel said softly as waves of anguish rolled off the man on the other side of the table, "He needs my help, and I intend to see that he gets it."

Dean's voice faltered with a hint of a whimper he only had when he felt hurt and betrayed, and given the circumstances, Castiel couldn't fathom that he would feel anything else, "Do you love him?"

"Dean-"

"Do you love him?" Dean asked, this time more forcefully.

Castiel was aware, now that the word had left Dean's lips, what it was that had made his decision so painful, and he paused to attempt to find the right words, "To a certain extent, yes."

Dean's breath hitched as the words came unbidden, "And what about me?- No! You know what? I don't want to know the answer to that. You decided, I said I'd respect it, and knowing, well, that might just be torture to know either way, so, forget I asked."

Science, from the human perspective, had only recently learned that human tears contain different chemicals depending on the circumstances that formed them. Pain, anger, sadness, allergies that caused watery eyes, they were distinct and different. Hormones, pheromones, the molecules were nearly imperceptible without a lab, at least to humans. But as Dean hurried out of the room in an effort to mask his reaction, it carried in the air, and Castiel was acutely aware that he had broken Dean's heart. 

He heard it as a faint echo of a door clicked shut deep within the bunker halls and a whisper of a sob followed it. Castiel let his head drop as the word left him, thoughts of what he was losing coming to the forefront of his mind, "Completely."

* * *


End file.
